Blog Archives

40. Collect ‘Em All, Bro!


38. You Like Dubstep

Who let the douchebags in?  This is your party, asshole!

Let me guess, Skrillex is on your workout playlist.

35. Know Your Klout Score

Believe me, your 140 characters don’t have any influence on anyone.  No matter what Klout says.

We think this is a better indicator of who you are as a person:  What’s your Klouchebag score?

34. Be Universally Condescending Whilst Riding a Fixie

Portlandia nailed it.

32. Uhhhh … be this guy in public. Wait. I mean be this guy.

Ed Hardy DB

Hats off to [undisclosed contact] for surreptitiously capturing this quintessential db in his native dress.  Little doubt in my mind he’s wearing Ed Hardy underpants and that his $180 t-shirt is sheathing a nice, supple set of man-boobs.  Also, if I’m wearing sweatpants in public, 1. beat the shit out of me  and 2. they’d better not give me severe frump-ass.

31. You Occupied Wall Street

You’re fucking society up royally.

“It’s like, instead of looking in the mirror and going ‘why the fuck am I not doing better?’ you just find some guy who’s got more shit than you and go ‘hey man, what do you need all that shit for?’  It’s the same version as ‘hey man, what do you need an MVP trophy for?’ Because I bust my ass, that’s why.  Or maybe I’m just genetically better than you.  Either way buddy, I got the trophy, cause I’m better than you.  So shut the fuck up and get the fuck back to work.  Or better yet, back on the bench where you belong …  The real world doesn’t give a fuck where you’re from or what  your mommy said you were or how pretty you are or what you do, they don’t give a fuck.  And all those lies that were told to you by your parents about how special you are and how no one was created like you, and all these bullshit advertisements … about there’s just one you … doesn’t mean shit when you get to the real world and you’re just pee-on #27 who’s putting in an application and guess what, I don’t like your attitude douche.  Get your fucking feet off my desk, hit the bricks, I’m not hiring you.  Now your plan is to come back and throw a brick at my window.”  -Adam Corolla

30. You’re from Miami. Or LA. Or like Miami. Or LA.

There is significant precedent for the Miami vs. Los Angeles Douchebag Debate

Sure, Vegas and Jersey are contenders, but there’s really no douche like a beach douche. 

(Jersey Shore and Caesar’s pool don’t count as beaches, btw.)  

29. The Pound-Hug is Your Standard Greeting

Hugging between men is okay.  Shaking hands between men is okay.  Pick one.

28. Get Aggro.

Let’s face it, you have a lot to be angry about.

  1. Your parents paid for a hyperinflated, irrelevant college education that you blew off in favor of Red Bull Vodka binges and serial date rape.
  2. Your high-power attorney father bought you a six-figure job that’s mindless and affords you the opportunity to still act like a 19-year-old.
  3. Your Benz is two years old.
  4. The finishes in your high-rise condo are so 2009.
  5. The girls you date are so dumb they think you’re awesome.

So blow off some steam, man.  Pick a fight with a random stranger.  Make a scene at the bar.  ‘roid rage and take your shirt off in public.

If you don’t you’re a weiner.

27. Sport These Dope-Ass Rims

Oh cute!  Somebody’s in his Green Lantern phase…

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